Tulip Time is in full swing here in Holland. The kids have their sweet little Dutch costumes and we've been busy with parades - meeting friends downtown for the Volksparade, Tanner on his school's preschool float for the Kinderparade, and Saturday, we will attend the Muziekparade with Grandmas and Grandpas. It's a fun time of year for Tanner, and as a mom, I'm enjoying it even more than I did as a kid, with none of the ironic ennui I had for it as a teenager.
But it's hectic. And it's spring and Tanner is 5 and looking for his independence and his own way in life, and he's making decisions. Some are good and some are bad. He's stubborn, and he's obstinate, and he tests us constantly. And young Miss Madeleine, well...she cries. A lot. Less than she did when she was younger, but now that she's pushing 7 months, she is still crying a LOT more than her siblings did. And she's not sleeping through the night. And she's needy. And Tanner is jealous. And there are days when I'm tired and sleep-deprived, and Ryan is working 60+ hour weeks and dear God do I feel like I need a break more days than not.
And I feel guilty. Dead guilty. Because I know all too well what it is to NOT have that child needing me and wanting me and driving me absolutely stark raving crazy. So I should be grateful for the good times AND the bad times. I should constantly be thankful that at least these two children are with me and loving me and here to snuggle and sing to and play.
But some days I'm not. Some days washing the dishes after dinner and getting them bathed and ready for bed feels like the end of the freaking world and I just want it to be 7:30 so that I can read the damn stories and make the kids go to sleep. I just want to read a book or do a crossword puzzle or do ANYTHING but be a mom for a while. But I can't. And Ryan gets up at 4:00 AM to go to work so I doubly feel responsible to handle the kids and the dishes and dinner. And I feel guilty too when I don't want to cook, I don't want to pick up my house, I don't want to do the errands or the chores. Because I'm stay at home now, and it's something I've wanted since December 24, 2007 when my sweet baby Tanner was born and something I never thought we'd be able to do thanks to the abysmal state of the economy. BUT I'M TIRED AND I WANT TO GO OUT AND HAVE FUN AND GO FISHING AND DO STUFF THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE RUBBING THE OUCHIE OUT OF OWIES AND NURSING THE BABY AD NAUSEAM AND CONSTANTLY WIPING FACES AND BUTTS AND DOING MUMSY STUFF!!!!
It's even more guilt-racking when I think of friends and acquaintances who have struggled with infertility or who would like children but for myriad reasons just can't think about trying right now. What would they give for those sweet snuggles late at night or a child hanging on them saying, "Mommy momma mom come look!" So where do I get off wanting a break and feeling frustrated and just wanting to STOP for a moment?
I have to keep reminding myself that I'm human. That the fact that I DO appreciate my sweet children means a lot. That the fact that I DO put off the crossword puzzle, the sewing that i want to do, that one TV show that's on...that means a lot, too. And that even when you love your job, you can sometimes hate the grind of it and need a break. Mostly I need to be more gentle with myself. I can't be the perfect parent; no one can. The standards are so high, but they've become unreasonable. The only thing I need to attain each day is being the best that I can. And I need to remember that each day is a new day.
My prayer every night is one of thankfulness for the day that has happened (sometimes thankfulness that it's over!) and a request for new patience and new dedication for the next day. And maybe...maybe that's enough. We pray for our DAILY bread...not our weekly bread or our monthly bread. Contentment is a state of being, but it's not a permanent beer buzz of giddiness each and every second of each day.
So despite the fact that I have so so much, I am allowed to be frustrated. I am allowed to be tired. I am allowed to pray that the time before bedtime passes quickly! Because I am still grateful. So, so, so, so grateful and so infinitely blessed. But still human.
(but what I wouldn't give to be kitting out all three of my children for the parades this year and forcing a stubborn 5-year-old and a headstrong 2-1/2-year-old and a wailing 6-month-old in Dutch costumes into the tulips for kitschy and wonderful pictures...)