Quandary of a too-smart child

What to say when your child is scared, and you tell him, "It is okay, I won't let anything happen to you. I will always be here to protect you." and he says, "But you didn't protect Ariana..."

I've had a lot to say lately!

And most of it is just silly silly. I don't think this is silly silly, but I think it is paranoiac.



I am not afraid to die. I do not fear death, and I do not fear dying. I know where I'm headed. I know who has gone there before me, and I know who is there waiting for me. I know that Jesus loves me and that he is the reason I get to go be with the people I love.


But every day I have to pray that I can lose this fearful feeling over my shoulder that someone I love would die. I used to be terrified that my parents would die and I would still NEED them (emotionally)...that doesn't scare me so badly anymore (don't get me wrong - I'd be devastated!, but it just doesn't wig me out anymore like it did). I don't sleep well, because I worry that if I sleep, I'll miss some key thing, some clue, and I'll wake up to someone being gone (specifically, Tanner and Ryan). Because....it's happened before. There's no reason it couldn't happen again. And SIDS babies tend to have siblings that are SIDS babies. Now....Ariana is not TECHNICALLY a SIDS baby, but there was no definitive diagnosis as to her death (and that is a whole entire factory full of barrels of fish that I won't even get into here), so we have NO answers. The only thing I know is that we laid down for our Tuesday nap just like we always do, I woke up, and really, honestly, she was gone. I'd like to think she made it and fought all the way to the hospital, but reading all the reports, she was gone at some point right before, during, or right after the EMTs arrived.

And it's not that I'm all crazy psycho and I don't let the boys rest or anything. I am just absolutely terrified about it. I guess I never knew what death looked like. I'd never seen someone before the funeral staff had worked on them before. And, if you love somebody, you don't want to see them dead (duh), but if you have kids...it's a brand new ballgame with all different rules that don't make any sense if you discover one has died. And that's an image that I can't get out of my head. It went away for a while, but it's back again, and it makes me want to smash my head into the wall just to get it out of there...except I can't.


SO. ANYWAY. Long story short, it creeps me out a little bit when people sleep now. If I can't hear them breathing or moving or see their chests going up and down, I often have to fight down panic. Thank goodness both my boys snore. (So do Ari and I :-p) It's just one of those things.


So. Sorry to lay that all out there, but I wanted to get that off my chest. That being said I stand by what I said earlier - I am making a conscious effort to be a better person. That means not falling into the trap of becoming afraid of my own shadow. I see how people get involved in all sorts of destructive behaviors when they experience significant losses. If we didn't have Tanner I'd either never get out of bed or perhaps be drunk all the time. Maybe both? I don't know, thinking about drinking to drunkenness makes me feel kind of sick to my stomach anymore.

Just something to think about. All the things we should never ever ever ever have to think about but somehow in this stupid stupid world we have to. I keep reminding myself that to Ari, the world was all exciting and shiny every single day, and that's how I want to look at it, too.

A little bit for Ari, but mostly for me

I am going to get in shape. I've tried a couple times this year to quit smoking, and I get over the hump, and then start again after a week and a half or so.

No mas. I started Couch25K today, and hopefully that will stick. I realize that I'll never weigh or look like what I did in college, and frankly, I don't ever want to get to my lowest adult weight again. But I think I could drop some pounds and lose most of my belly and be in much better physical shape!

And I am not above using Ariana as my inspiration...in the 9 months I carried her and the 9 months I held her, she made me such a better person, and such a better mommy, that I don't see any reason why she shouldn't remain my inspiration to continue improving myself.


That and I REALLY need to stop sitting around and dwelling on all the would-have and could-have and should-haves. I think I am going a bit insane!


So today was week 1, day 1 of C25K. It went pretty well! A while ago I had DLed the app to my phone so I don't have to worry about timing myself or judging distance, and let me tell you, by the end I was feeling a little like punching the robot lady who kept saying in her too-cheerful voice "Time to run!", but then I looked at my overall time and realized I was almost done. We'll see how day 2 goes...because I'm sure I'll be sore...and the robot lady may take some damage :)

Blah

Stuck in a waiting room with a baby for the past hour.
Hope I get called soon.

I miss Ari.

Also

In posting about being "normal," I'm not talking about being Mrs. Dutch Mom in Holland with my minivan and Holland Christian High School stickers plastered onto everything I own. I received some comments after Ariana died that "You know you don't really want to be normal, don't you? Normal is overrated."

That's not really the point. I don't want to be "normal" as in, assimilated into society and just like everyone else. I want OUR normal back, as in, with both of our children and freaking out about stupid stuff like whether or not Ryan did the dishes on his night or why I didn't wash the floors on my day off.

I actually would have thought that some of these people would have understood, having gone through losses themselves. None that had lost children made statements like that.

Anyway. Just wanted to get that off my chest. I'm not interested in being like every other cookie cutter wife/mom/lady out there. I just want my life back.

Now that we've cleared that up, back to your regular programming:


Tanner is growing up so quickly! We've nixed night time pull-ups AND naps. I almost can't stand it. He's doing pretty great with his writing and making progress on his reading, too. I don't know what we are going to do with 2 years left til he can start school. He won't be able to start kindergarten (legally) until 2013. ....looks like my hands are going to be full! Also, not to beat a dead horse, but this child and cider donuts. Heaven help us if he discovers there is a Crane's IN Holland.

Complainy post about etiquette

I was under the impression that unless it has been quite some time since your last child, you don't really expect a baby shower for your second, third, fourth etc. children, unless someone really wants to throw you one.

I was also under the impression that you really don't throw yourself a baby/bridal/wedding shower.


Recently I was invited to a baby shower for a friend with whom we haven't really kept in touch. She and her husband are having their second child soon, and she is throwing herself a shower and asking for people to bring diapers along with a gift. (Their child is almost 2, I believe). Which is a third point in my hypocritical etiquette schtick: are not showers supposed to be for close friends and family? Not people you haven't spoken to in over two years aside from the occasional Facebook post?


Now, all of the above being a little bit tacky aside, I'm kind of surprised that I was invited. I think it's nice that I was invited, and I don't think it's a case of getting it rubbed in that all these people have babies, but most of the invitees have young babies/children, and I really don't need to go around fertile people who have living children. It's not that I want people to ignore me (and yes I want to be treated the way I was before!), it's just that it's a little soon to be going to baby showers. Family gatherings are hard enough.

I realize this is a contradiction from my last post so feel free to kick me in the throat next time you see me. I do want to be treated normally. I just am not going to willingly surround myself by babies right now when I can't hold my own, especially when it is for someone who I barely know anymore and is just phishing for gifts and free stuff. So there, pbbbbt.




In other news, we went to Crane's yesterday, and despite my urging Ryan to buy two dozen cider donuts, he only bought one, and I am having to show extreme restraint so that there are some left for him when he gets home. Tanner and I are just fools for cider donuts.

Birthdays, Holidays, Bullshit

Not that there is any one "worst" thing, and I'm hoping as years pass this gets more bearable, but...special events are such a mixed bag for us. When we have birthday parties or holidays, all I can think is, "This time last year, I was this far along with Ariana" or, "When we had this occasion last year, Ari was doing [this or that]." Or I think of what she would be doing if she were here. We went to a birthday party at a bowling alley for one of Tanner's friends this weekend, and (Mostly) all I could think about was what Ari would have been doing. To complicate matters further, the family of the boy whose birthday it was also had an Ariana, who also died of unknown causes, about six months prior to our Ari's death. So I was daydreaming about the two Arianas running around together and making mayhem among the older kids.


We have been putting off going to Crane's because last year we took both kids. Ariana was barely sensate that day; she spent the entire time cuddling and nursing in her carrier. But she was there. And I am just tired of going places where I think, "Last time we were here, we had Ari!" If I could crawl in a hole, hibernate, and not hurt anymore when I woke up, I would so surely do it.

And it's not a situation where I don't enjoy myself immensely still. I love hanging out with family and friends and I laugh and tell stupid stories and generally make an ass of myself as per the usual. It just makes me feel a bit awkward because inevitably there is a moment where I get fixated on her, and that makes others awkward when they notice. And I wish they'd just ignore it. But I really think, in retrospect, no matter how much you empathize, you just can't understand unless you've been through it, no matter how much you want to be able to sympathize. And I wouldn't want anyone to understand. I don't think others realize how desperately we just want to feel NORMAL again. I think it scares people away. We've certainly learned who our true friends are. We don't spend our days in melancholia and we don't spend our time crying all over each other. We do have times when we have to be by ourselves to grieve. We also need for people to more or less carry on if we have a sad feeling while we're out and about. Don't give us funny looks, or stop the conversation, or try to shift gears into grief and death and dying. There are places and times for that, and out with friends socializing isn't one of them, and you have to know that we realize that.

I feel like a pariah again. It makes me almost afraid to go do anything, large group or small. And it's not like we could put out a personal ad requesting only friends who have lost children. And even that isn't a surefire route to society without awkwardness.


But yeah. Nice cozy hole to hibernate in. That would be nice. That or my baby. And seeing as how neither of those are an option, I guess I'll just keep on walking. Bummer.