Night time is the worst time for me. I am usually the last person up and about, doing little chores here and there and then settling down for a heroic dungeon or two. Then, Ariana had recently been waking up at ungodly hours of the AM wanting to play...which was really cute but also more than a little frustrating. She didn't really want to eat, she just didn't want to be asleep anymore! (Although I've read that that is the natural sleep cycle, and that our modern world has totally screwed that up - ask me about it sometime if you're interested). Plus Ryan and T usually fall asleep together. That left me and Ari. And if she was awake, you can guarantee I was probably talking to her. It's not that I didn't talk to myself before she was born, because I did, but now I feel really super crazy doing it. Because Ariana isn't here to listen and coo back at me. I mean, Steve wants me all the time now (he knows she isn't here and I think it's screwing with his head), but Steve, sorry man, you are NOT an acceptable substitute. For one thing, Ariana didn't shed all over me. She did make a point of pulling MY hair out, but that is a little different. Ryan seems to have a harder time in the AM. On the weekends he almost always got up with the kids to give me a break from the morning routine a bit. So with each day feeling like a weekend since we've been off work, this has been really strange. We are simultaneously looking forward to and dreading going back to work on Monday. I think I will be Okay, but who knows? Ari was the best assistant I could have asked for. She was an awesome paper shredder, poop maker, and lap warmer. Man. She was even learning how to make Grandpa's coffee. ...
My heart is broken...but watching Tanner laugh and play, and yes, laughing along with him, makes all the difference in the world.
Somehow my boys and I will get through this. I'm still not sure how, because I vacillate between rage and fits of crying and giggling at videos and photos....but somehow we will do this thing. And we will remember Ari, and honor her memory. And somehow, we will do something great in her name, because that's what she would have done. That girl was the best out of all of us - so smart, so beautiful, and so loving, among so many other things. We could show her a baby sign, and she'd be using it correctly and consistently within half a day.
Hey Baby Girl...Momma and Daddy are gonna do big things, so if you could see fit to give us a hand or put in a good word with the Big Man every so often, we'd really appreciate it.
I don't know how people survive losing a child, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, but I am going to pass through this.
Somehow.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Suckiest Club Ever
It has been over a week since we lost Ariana. In some ways it seems like she's been gone forever, and in others I wonder why she hasn't crawled around the corner and started bugging for attention yet. Everyone has been so incredibly supportive and sympathetic and for that I thank all of you.
Then there are others who want in on the action or the attention, I don't know which, but let me tell you, this is the one club you don't ever want to be a part of. It's called "My Child Went to Heaven Before Me" and it is the suckiest club ever. We have ups and downs. We are able to smile and laugh and play with Tanner (some times it takes more effort than others). We also hold each other and cry. 8 days ago we had everything - my facebook status even read "Can't Complain." The next day...life hit as hard as an a-bomb. It seems almost disrespectful to continue planning and hoping for our future when Ari's future here on earth has ended. But then I remember where she is, and that someday we will join her there. So I guess I'm categorizing life as our everyday hopes, and our ultimate hope. Ari is already there at the ultimate hope, and with all that she has, she has no need of our everyday ones. That makes it a little easier. A little.
There are so many thoughts swirling through my head each minute of every day. Tonight we took T for ice cream and there was this little blonde boy running around, and it just punched me in the gut. Yesterday I told Ryan that I was so looking forward to seeing Ari begin to walk, and run, and fall down, and get up and run again. That's exactly what this boy was doing. He was working his chubby little arms and legs as hard as he could, and he'd fall down and laugh so hard, and get back up and run again. Man. That was a blow.
Out of all the things I have done in my life, the only thing I've ever really given ALL of myself to, and then some, is being a mom. It's the one thing I've been "best" at out of all my other endeavors, and it is my favorite, and it is the one thing that I am good at (not perfect, by any means, and daily I feel I've made mistakes - mostly small peccadilloes, but still good at). So it shakes me to think that I wasn't good enough to save Ari. God decided it was time for her to come home, so despite my efforts, the EMTs' efforts, the doctors' efforts, and all our prayers, there was nothing else to be done but let her go. But what if? I know the could have would have should haves will drag me down. But it's hard not to indulge them.
Someday the ubiquitous question of "WHY?!?" will be answered. At that point, it won't matter a damn. But at least at this point I am able to thank God for taking care of our baby instead of crying out to Him and feeling like there is no answer.
Then there are others who want in on the action or the attention, I don't know which, but let me tell you, this is the one club you don't ever want to be a part of. It's called "My Child Went to Heaven Before Me" and it is the suckiest club ever. We have ups and downs. We are able to smile and laugh and play with Tanner (some times it takes more effort than others). We also hold each other and cry. 8 days ago we had everything - my facebook status even read "Can't Complain." The next day...life hit as hard as an a-bomb. It seems almost disrespectful to continue planning and hoping for our future when Ari's future here on earth has ended. But then I remember where she is, and that someday we will join her there. So I guess I'm categorizing life as our everyday hopes, and our ultimate hope. Ari is already there at the ultimate hope, and with all that she has, she has no need of our everyday ones. That makes it a little easier. A little.
There are so many thoughts swirling through my head each minute of every day. Tonight we took T for ice cream and there was this little blonde boy running around, and it just punched me in the gut. Yesterday I told Ryan that I was so looking forward to seeing Ari begin to walk, and run, and fall down, and get up and run again. That's exactly what this boy was doing. He was working his chubby little arms and legs as hard as he could, and he'd fall down and laugh so hard, and get back up and run again. Man. That was a blow.
Out of all the things I have done in my life, the only thing I've ever really given ALL of myself to, and then some, is being a mom. It's the one thing I've been "best" at out of all my other endeavors, and it is my favorite, and it is the one thing that I am good at (not perfect, by any means, and daily I feel I've made mistakes - mostly small peccadilloes, but still good at). So it shakes me to think that I wasn't good enough to save Ari. God decided it was time for her to come home, so despite my efforts, the EMTs' efforts, the doctors' efforts, and all our prayers, there was nothing else to be done but let her go. But what if? I know the could have would have should haves will drag me down. But it's hard not to indulge them.
Someday the ubiquitous question of "WHY?!?" will be answered. At that point, it won't matter a damn. But at least at this point I am able to thank God for taking care of our baby instead of crying out to Him and feeling like there is no answer.
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