It never fails that when I go to Meijer I will A) Forget something and B) If I'm buying something questionable or embarrassing, I will run into someone I know.
A) We live 1/4 mile from Meijer, so that's no big deal - we can stop on our way in and out.
B) Example 1: Had to buy pads the other day (sorry if any dudes are reading this). Tanner wanted to know what they were. I said they were private for ladies. This apparently meant to Tanner that he should hold the package on top of his head and sing at the top of his lungs, "I'M A LADY, I'M A LADY, HEE HEE HEE!!!"....I couldn't get out of the store fast enough, because I couldn't get him to stop.
Example 2: The GIANT package of toilet paper was on sale today. We normally don't buy the giant one but today I did, because it was such a great deal!! I knew that I would see someone I knew, and I knew I'd be embarrassed because why would a family of three need THAT MUCH toilet paper!?? I mean, we are talking Sams' Club value pack size here. And of course, I ran into our next door neighbor.
Example 3: (This probably only applies in Holland). One time we were having a get-together at our house, so Ryan and I bought a bunch of adult libations. I mean, the bottom of the cart was probably full of booze. This was perfect timing to run into our pastoral care elder, who gave us a funny look, but said nothing.
I'd say if these are the worst of my problems we are coming out on top ;)
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Guilt
Besides the guilt of:
1.) Not knowing anything was wrong in the days and weeks leading up to Ariana's death,
2.) Not being able to save her when I was the adult in the house, and I was supposed to make sure the kids were okay,
3.) Feeling like I let everyone down because of #2,
4.) Wondering if anything I ever did could have contributed to Ariana's death,
there's also
5.) Guilt when I resent seeing other people's happy little families (even though I don't really begrudge them their happiness, I just miss our complete little family)
6.) Guilt when I catch myself thinking how dull and stupid other children are in comparison to Ariana,
7.) Guilt when I wonder why us and not someone else (even though I'd not wish this on my worst enemy)
8.) Guilt for feeling guilty and not feeling good every day just because I'm alive which of course leads to
9.) Guilt that I want to slap people who say "Count your blessings" because
10.) SCREW YOU, I HAVE PLENTY OF BLESSINGS BUT I ALSO HAVE A BABY WHO WENT TO HEAVEN BEFORE ME, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING?!?! which then leads to
11.) Guilt because I get angry at well-meaning people for being blockheads.
And then there are good days. Which are always followed by bad days in which I feel guilty for having a good day.
Among other things.
1.) Not knowing anything was wrong in the days and weeks leading up to Ariana's death,
2.) Not being able to save her when I was the adult in the house, and I was supposed to make sure the kids were okay,
3.) Feeling like I let everyone down because of #2,
4.) Wondering if anything I ever did could have contributed to Ariana's death,
there's also
5.) Guilt when I resent seeing other people's happy little families (even though I don't really begrudge them their happiness, I just miss our complete little family)
6.) Guilt when I catch myself thinking how dull and stupid other children are in comparison to Ariana,
7.) Guilt when I wonder why us and not someone else (even though I'd not wish this on my worst enemy)
8.) Guilt for feeling guilty and not feeling good every day just because I'm alive which of course leads to
9.) Guilt that I want to slap people who say "Count your blessings" because
10.) SCREW YOU, I HAVE PLENTY OF BLESSINGS BUT I ALSO HAVE A BABY WHO WENT TO HEAVEN BEFORE ME, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING?!?! which then leads to
11.) Guilt because I get angry at well-meaning people for being blockheads.
And then there are good days. Which are always followed by bad days in which I feel guilty for having a good day.
Among other things.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
2011....SUCKS.
Man, I (and my little family here) could REALLY do with something nice happening to us sometime soon. So much has gone wrong this year, and so much continues to go wrong...I don't know what to do with myself most of the time.
Why doesn't life come with a rewind button?
And with that, some lyrics:
Less Than Jake: Motown Never Sounded So Good
So you say, all your white flags are up and that you've had enough and that you were tired of collecting dust, you say everything always looks the same and you made your brand new face to match your brand new place, you say all your distress calls have gone out and your ship is going down...Well I say it to myself all the time, "Stop living half a life and stop feeling like I'm half alive.."
I can't get enough, I'm not satisfied, I've wasted my time with this daily grind, in single file line, is this real life, I've been telling myself sometimes, what matters is on the inside.
Do you remember when we had all the answers, and can you really remember when we wished for anything better, just to feel like it's been forever, does it feel like a broken record, a head full of yesterdays, you keep wishing your life away, you can't keep looking over you own shoulder, things'll never look up unless you start to move forward.
I can't get enough, I'm not satisfied, I've wasted my time with this daily grind, I can't get enough, I'm just getting by, I can't stand this design for our bitter lives, I keep feeling lost and I'm not satisfied with traffic and turnpikes and these tired eyes.
Why doesn't life come with a rewind button?
And with that, some lyrics:
Less Than Jake: Motown Never Sounded So Good
So you say, all your white flags are up and that you've had enough and that you were tired of collecting dust, you say everything always looks the same and you made your brand new face to match your brand new place, you say all your distress calls have gone out and your ship is going down...Well I say it to myself all the time, "Stop living half a life and stop feeling like I'm half alive.."
I can't get enough, I'm not satisfied, I've wasted my time with this daily grind, in single file line, is this real life, I've been telling myself sometimes, what matters is on the inside.
Do you remember when we had all the answers, and can you really remember when we wished for anything better, just to feel like it's been forever, does it feel like a broken record, a head full of yesterdays, you keep wishing your life away, you can't keep looking over you own shoulder, things'll never look up unless you start to move forward.
I can't get enough, I'm not satisfied, I've wasted my time with this daily grind, I can't get enough, I'm just getting by, I can't stand this design for our bitter lives, I keep feeling lost and I'm not satisfied with traffic and turnpikes and these tired eyes.
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