Time to get this train rollin'!

Hello all, if you're still out there. It's been a long, long time since I've posted anything substantive, and I think it's time to start again.

The past two years have been a whirlwind of emotion - losing Ariana, the miscarriage shortly after, welcoming Madeleine, and through it all, trying to facilitate the healthy growth of our family. There aren't really words that I have learned that can encompass the things we've experienced since May of 2011, but I know that heartbreak, faith, love, and healing are probably the best to sum up into the big picture.

I had a rough weekend in which I reflected on the various opportunities I've been given in my life - and the myriad ways in which I've wasted them. I thought back on the things my parents did and the ways in which they sacrificed to give me growth opportunities...most of which I squandered. I am only 27 years old. I have been through four pregnancies. I have two children and a wonderful husband and a very obnoxious furry kid with whom I live. I have been to multiple sessions of music camps, I have attended space camp, I have been overseas, I have a B.A. Yet the only things I have to show for myself are the kids. And don't get me wrong - my family is the best and most important work I've ever done; they are the best gift I've ever been given. But what I have a done with my life? Where are the signposts I had marked so clearly back in 2006? I'm down a completely different road than I was then, and the way forward is so very much obscured. What's different now than in 2006, I've come to realize, is that my faith has grown. Despite the fact that I have very little control over the events that conspire to fell me, I have faith that God is clearing the way in front of me. Someday, I might reenter some sort of career path. That day is not today. I've been given a responsibility to lead my family from the homefront, to teach my children how to grow in faith and love and trust, and to stand at my husband's side in order to support him in all that he does to support us. After the weekend of doubt and self-recrimination, I have emerged into a week of new resolve. I have not wasted my opportunities, I have merely lived through them. They are all a part of who I have become. The lessons I have learned (many the hard way) shape the way in which I interact with my children and my husband. I am grateful beyond words to my parents who allowed me to go and to grow and yes, even to fall and fail, because that is what good parents do. They let you make your own choices even when they can see the end result. I struggle daily to be that kind of parent, who teaches and then steps back, only interceding when necessary for the child's well-being.

Obviously, this kind of reflection pushes me to think about what kind of mother I am and what kind of mother I want to become. After losing Ariana, I felt that I had failed at the one thing I was responsible for - keeping the kids safe. I did not and do not feel that a mother who has a child die, particularly unexpectedly, is responsible for the death. However, I DO feel that I was/am/will forever be responsible for the fact that Ariana has gone. As you can imagine, this attitude has severely impacted my feelings of self-worth. Over Christmas, we had the unique opportunity to portray the Holy Family in one of the services at our church, with Madeleine as Jesus and even Tanner participating as a shepherd. Each Christmas I marvel at the Nativity, but until this year, I've only thought of Jesus and the miracle that he embodied at his birth. The things that Mary pondered in her heart? Those were a mystery to me. This year, as we took part in the pageantry at church, I resolved to take to heart those deep wonderings and hopings and longings that Mary must have had for her child. She must have had all the same fears and hopes that we mothers have as we experience the mystery and joy of growing our children inside us (or waiting for our child to arrive via adoption), but on top of that, she had this absolute faith that God had a plan. She knew that she carried the child of God in her womb, and if it were me, that fact would have scared the living daylights out of me. How much responsibility! To rear the child of God! The Messiah! Yet she had faith.

This weekend at church, our pastor discussed the importance of family in living Christ-like lives. I had, once again, never thought about the fact that as Jesus hung dying on the cross, as He bled and suffered, His thoughts were not all about his pain. His third statement was an exhortation to John to care for His mother. And what must Mary have thought as she watched her son scourged and insulted and left to die as a criminal? I have said many times that losing Ariana would have been much, much worse if we had had to watch her suffer. Yet there Mary is at the foot of the cross, and I'm sure in her heart she was holding her beloved boy. Where else could a mother be? Did she feel she had failed him? Did she feel she had failed God?

It is time for me to move forward. I promised myself and I promised my family that I would not let Ariana's death paralyze me. I have work to do here. Yesterday a friend shared an article about a little boy who had passed away at the age of 1 following a terminal illness. At his funeral, the priest remarked that if love for the child had expanded so many people's hearts, then we have a grave responsibility to use that extra love and make it shine.

Mary grieved. I grieve. But her boy was raised, and my daughter will be someday, too.(Please note that nowhere do I say I am analagous to the virgin Mary!!) Mary trusted God, and I will, too.


Well isn't that a serious post to return to blogging with? But I'm back, and this is the foundation upon which I am building a new life for myself and for my family. No more regrets and no more fears. Ariana may not have known it, but she fulfilled Jesus' command to love one another. Our oldest daughter was pure love. She radiated love to those around her. And it's my job to make sure that light continues to shine.

As another family who lost their daughter so aptly says, "Shine on!"