I want to know

I want to know why I am not going to watch Ari ride her first tricycle, have dance recitals, start her first day of school, graduate from preschool, from lower elementary, from upper elementary, from middle school, from high school, Dutch Dance, move out for college or life or whatever, meet a great guy, meet a crappy guy, meet the greatest guy.

I want to know why I am not going to watch her walk down the aisle on Ryan's arm, dance with him at her wedding, hold her first baby, hold her next bazillion babies.

I want to know why I am not going to get to hold or see my baby for the rest of my life here on earth.  I want to know WHY I am eating every time I've said "this is the worst day of my life" because I am having a series of progressively worse worst days for the past 16 days.  I want to know why administering CPR wasn't enough.  I want to know why the EMTs' skills couldn't save her.  I want to know why the doctors at the hospital couldn't save her.  I want to know what happened to my baby; I want to know why she died. 

I don't get to know WHY God let this happen.  Most days I can at least come to terms with the fact that someday I will know.  And maybe I don't get to know because I couldn't accept it.  And let's face it, His grace IS sufficient.  We have been so blessed to see God's people at work in the world in the midst of this tragedy.  It's a good reminder when there's all bad on the news.  But I'd rather have gone through life thinking that people were nasty and crude, and still holding Ariana.

I want to know when it is going to stop killing me to see other babies and other pregnant ladies.  I want to know when waking up isn't going to be a slap in the face anymore, when Tanner will be able to cope emotionally enough that I don't have to worry about him, I want to know when I'm going to see Ryan really smile again.  I want to know when I'll stop thinking that maybe if I think about it hard enough I'll figure it all out.  I want to know when I will stop trying to convince myself that this is a terrible nightmare and I might wake up soon.  I want to know when I am going to be able to peel myself up off the ground again.  Mostly I want to know when I get to see my baby girl again.  Because it's just not soon enough. 

But, to quote the words from an immortal song: "I know everything sucks yeah, I know everything sucks.  I know everything sucks but this is the last time you'll hear me complain."  (at least here)