Night time is the worst time for me. I am usually the last person up and about, doing little chores here and there and then settling down for a heroic dungeon or two. Then, Ariana had recently been waking up at ungodly hours of the AM wanting to play...which was really cute but also more than a little frustrating. She didn't really want to eat, she just didn't want to be asleep anymore! (Although I've read that that is the natural sleep cycle, and that our modern world has totally screwed that up - ask me about it sometime if you're interested). Plus Ryan and T usually fall asleep together. That left me and Ari. And if she was awake, you can guarantee I was probably talking to her. It's not that I didn't talk to myself before she was born, because I did, but now I feel really super crazy doing it. Because Ariana isn't here to listen and coo back at me. I mean, Steve wants me all the time now (he knows she isn't here and I think it's screwing with his head), but Steve, sorry man, you are NOT an acceptable substitute. For one thing, Ariana didn't shed all over me. She did make a point of pulling MY hair out, but that is a little different. Ryan seems to have a harder time in the AM. On the weekends he almost always got up with the kids to give me a break from the morning routine a bit. So with each day feeling like a weekend since we've been off work, this has been really strange. We are simultaneously looking forward to and dreading going back to work on Monday. I think I will be Okay, but who knows? Ari was the best assistant I could have asked for. She was an awesome paper shredder, poop maker, and lap warmer. Man. She was even learning how to make Grandpa's coffee. ...
My heart is broken...but watching Tanner laugh and play, and yes, laughing along with him, makes all the difference in the world.
Somehow my boys and I will get through this. I'm still not sure how, because I vacillate between rage and fits of crying and giggling at videos and photos....but somehow we will do this thing. And we will remember Ari, and honor her memory. And somehow, we will do something great in her name, because that's what she would have done. That girl was the best out of all of us - so smart, so beautiful, and so loving, among so many other things. We could show her a baby sign, and she'd be using it correctly and consistently within half a day.
Hey Baby Girl...Momma and Daddy are gonna do big things, so if you could see fit to give us a hand or put in a good word with the Big Man every so often, we'd really appreciate it.
I don't know how people survive losing a child, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, but I am going to pass through this.
Somehow.
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