Suckiest Club Ever

It has been over a week since we lost Ariana.  In some ways it seems like she's been gone forever, and in others I wonder why she hasn't crawled around the corner and started bugging for attention yet.  Everyone has been so incredibly supportive and sympathetic and for that I thank all of you.

Then there are others who want in on the action or the attention, I don't know which, but let me tell you, this is the one club you don't ever want to be a part of.  It's called "My Child Went to Heaven Before Me" and it is the suckiest club ever.  We have ups and downs.  We are able to smile and laugh and play with Tanner (some times it takes more effort than others).  We also hold each other and cry.  8 days ago we had everything - my facebook status even read "Can't Complain."  The next day...life hit as hard as an a-bomb.  It seems almost disrespectful to continue planning and hoping for our future when Ari's future here on earth has ended.  But then I remember where she is, and that someday we will join her there.  So I guess I'm categorizing life as our everyday hopes, and our ultimate hope.  Ari is already there at the ultimate hope, and with all that she has, she has no need of our everyday ones.  That makes it a little easier.  A little.

There are so many thoughts swirling through my head each minute of every day.  Tonight we took T for ice cream and there was this little blonde boy running around, and it just punched me in the gut.  Yesterday I told Ryan that I was so looking forward to seeing Ari begin to walk, and run, and fall down, and get up and run again.  That's exactly what this boy was doing.  He was working his chubby little arms and legs as hard as he could, and he'd fall down and laugh so hard, and get back up and run again.  Man.  That was a blow. 

Out of all the things I have done in my life, the only thing I've ever really given ALL of myself to, and then some, is being a mom.  It's the one thing I've been "best" at out of all my other endeavors, and it is my favorite, and it is the one thing that I am good at (not perfect, by any means, and daily I feel I've made mistakes - mostly small peccadilloes, but still good at).  So it shakes me to think that I wasn't good enough to save Ari.  God decided it was time for her to come home, so despite my efforts, the EMTs' efforts, the doctors' efforts, and all our prayers, there was nothing else to be done but let her go.  But what if?  I know the could have would have should haves will drag me down.  But it's hard not to indulge them. 

Someday the ubiquitous question of "WHY?!?" will be answered.  At that point, it won't matter a damn.  But at least at this point I am able to thank God for taking care of our baby instead of crying out to Him and feeling like there is no answer.