Besides the guilt of:
1.) Not knowing anything was wrong in the days and weeks leading up to Ariana's death,
2.) Not being able to save her when I was the adult in the house, and I was supposed to make sure the kids were okay,
3.) Feeling like I let everyone down because of #2,
4.) Wondering if anything I ever did could have contributed to Ariana's death,
there's also
5.) Guilt when I resent seeing other people's happy little families (even though I don't really begrudge them their happiness, I just miss our complete little family)
6.) Guilt when I catch myself thinking how dull and stupid other children are in comparison to Ariana,
7.) Guilt when I wonder why us and not someone else (even though I'd not wish this on my worst enemy)
8.) Guilt for feeling guilty and not feeling good every day just because I'm alive which of course leads to
9.) Guilt that I want to slap people who say "Count your blessings" because
10.) SCREW YOU, I HAVE PLENTY OF BLESSINGS BUT I ALSO HAVE A BABY WHO WENT TO HEAVEN BEFORE ME, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING?!?! which then leads to
11.) Guilt because I get angry at well-meaning people for being blockheads.
And then there are good days. Which are always followed by bad days in which I feel guilty for having a good day.
Among other things.
There is nothing I can say to make you feel any better or less guilty about everything you just wrote. I wish there was. The best I can do is pray for you. I continue to pray that you will feel God's presence and that you feel His arms (and Ariana's) wrapped around you on both the good and bad days.
ReplyDeleteI know i seem awfully petty and like someone who REALLY needs to count her blessings, but believe me, i do. And i honestly believe that without prayer, and God's answers to prayer, we would be in a very awful place right now.
ReplyDeleteThank you for praying for us and not forgetting about us.
Anjey,
ReplyDeleteWe are continuing to pray for you and your family as well. Thanks for your honesty in these blog posts.