so thankful.
It may seem as though I'm caught up completely in the sadness and the depressio neuroses that come right along with this all. And don't get me wrong, it's so crushing that I don't have the words to describe it.
But the thing is...I'm still lucky enough to have known her and made a million happy memories. So yeah, I'm sad and I'm crushed and I still think a million times about what I could have or should have or would have done...but there's so many memories of our smiling girl.
Like, at this time of night, when the boys were asleep when she'd wake up to nurse one last time for the night. I know she'd have been on more of a schedule by now, but those were times for just me and her. Well..more often than not for Ryan too, since if she was super fussy he'd wake up and walk her for a bit.
Did I really complain that she had been waking up at 4 a.m. to play for weeks on end? Or that she escaped my diaper-changing ministrations and pooped on the living room carpet? (that one was basically hilarious though)
It seems strange, and maybe it is, but the smiles are as consuming as the sadness. And remembering the smiles don't necessarily bring on the sadness. We've been Christmas shopping and it seems like every store displays their cute Christmas clothes for little girls front and center. Sometimes those bring smiles and sometimes they make me cry.
It's all so unfair. But like we told everyone who came to honor her brief life, we want people to remember her smile and her laugh, not to dwell on the fact that it was all cut short. Easier said than done, but...Ariana was so full of life that she wouldn't want ours to end. I can't wait to see her again.
/ramble.
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