Onward and Upward (I can't decide which punctuation mark to use, so I'm omitting it entirely)

So, I've become this person who I don't really recognize but I'm pretty intrigued by - and I think I even like myself a great deal!

I recently posted several oldie but goodie photos to Facebook from childhood/teenage/college years, and I have to keep repeating to myself what a wonderful friend once said to me: "Aren't you glad we don't have to be the same people we were 5 years ago?" I mean, overall, my awesomeness only waxes, but there were, and are, parts of me that are just so UNlikable. Don't you wish you could go back and erase the times in your life where you were "a most unmitigated and comprehensive ass?" Because in my case, it's not necessarily asinine things that I've done, it's asinine attitudes that I've carried. And most of them just because I was so afraid of being someone who I was, or wasn't, or could be...or something. Uncomfortable example: I thought that people in my family didn't like me, so I went out of my way to make sure that they knew that I knew that they knew that their opinions didn't matter to me. Ugh. Couldn't I just join MIB and wipe that bit out of my family's memories?

Unfortunately....life doesn't work that way, so I get to cringe every time I think about all the ways in which I've fallen short. And also unfortunately, I'll dwell on that bunk for weeks - even though it's years and years and, really, a whole lifetime ago. The person I am POST-T is pretty much a completely new creation. The person I am after Ari is an even better incarnation. The person I am after Mads is a flustered, twitchy, exasperated wreck. But that's an entirely different post.

Anyway. I think all people around my age are a little surprised at how far they've come in the past 5, 10, 20 years. Myself certainly notwithstanding. I never imagined that I would WANT a family the way I have them now. I would certainly never have pictured myself deeply involved with the school or even regularly attending church; I wouldn't have imagined craving time with my brother; I couldn't have even dreamed that I'd be content (predominantly) staying at home - although I am starting to get a little itch to go back to work and be productive - more on that another time.

What it comes down to is being happy with what you have and who you are while you have it and while you are it. Because time doesn't stop moving, and who you are now might be radically different than who you are in 10 years. Anyone can wish away the present while they dream about how great life will be in the future, and I promised myself, and remind myself of this promise at regular intervals, that I will not waste the present hoping to fast-forward to the point at which things suddenly become awesome. While I used to believe that people don't really change, they just change their actions, now I am a firm believer in forgiveness and the power of (SPOILER: Smarm ahead!) love to effect change in a person's life. If it wasn't for T, I'd never have started down the path I'm on today. If it wasn't for Ari, I wouldn't know what it's like to love someone as wholeheartedly and consumingly as I love that little bug. If it wasn't for the mister, I don't know that I'd be here today to tell you my story. All the building blocks of who I am today started with one night at a bar in Douglas. That sounds pretty bad, but if I hadn't accepted shift drinks 8 years ago, I wouldn't have had a single word to say to that (so I thought) snooty chef. And if I hadn't gone out with that (presumedly snooty) chef, I'd never have fallen in love with him, or had my boy, or either of my girls. Every single piece of the puzzle has worked out into making me understand how much MORE I want to be to them, to my family, to the community, and to the world. It's not so much that I just became this person who volunteers at school and who supports a local non-profit and who will unreservedly enact ridiculous play scenarios (sometimes without even looking at the clock!)...it's that I realized that I WANTED to do those things. And wanting to do them led to figuring out how to do them. Which leads to me, v. 2015.

Ah, but here's the rub: forgiving others is easy. (It's not, but....) Forgiving others is infy easier than forgiving myself. And not just snooty "I'm going to be the better person, so I forgive you," but honestly moving forward and forging a new, stronger relationship out of the ashes (and I've seen relationships come back from freaking desolate wasteland in the past few years...so, yes, it can happen). But forgiving myself? Good gravy, I can hardly stop stewing about yelling at Miss Mads this morning for screaming at me in school (for 10 solid minutes...while classes carried on all around us...). I don't hold anything against HER. I hold it WAY against myself for: not looking at the bigger picture, not keeping my cool, not figuring out a better way to handle the tantrum, hurting a baby's feelings, worrying too much about the almighty tick-tock tick-tock, continuing to stew about, knowing that I'll still cringe about it when I think about it tomorrow, knowing that I'll hold it against myself the next time I'm short-tempered, knowing that when the next time happens and I lose my cool, I'll remember EVERY SINGLE TIME I EVER LOST MY TEMPER OR HANDLED SOMETHING INAPPROPRIATELY AND SCREWED UP AND CAUSED WORLD WAR 3 DUE TO MY INADEQUACY AND NUCLEAR WINTER EVERYBODY DIES.

I'm not kidding, people. This is a big problem for me. I can forgive others' inadequacies and foibles, but I hold every. last. thing. against myself. I still don't know why, or how to stop. But realizing it, and wanting to stop it will eventually lead to figuring out a way to actually stop. Most of the time. I hope. Somehow.

So...I've been an unmitigated and comprehensive ass. But I'm getting better. And I'm so glad I'm not the person I was 5 years ago. And 10 years ago. And 15 years ago. And I'm glad you've stuck with me, too. I don't want the clock to race forward to the point at which I have time to myself, though I certainly crave personal time more than probably anything else at this point. I don't want to rewind to better days, though there are certainly times and places and people I'd love to pull forward into the present with me. And I don't want to stay right here where I am, though for the first time perhaps ever, I'm liking the person I see in the mirror. The fact is, I said all the right words 5, 10, 15 years ago, but I didn't mean them - they were just words to say to show that I understood! I had maturity! and stability! and wisdom! Unfortunately, a lot of hard knocks later, I understand now. I don't have maturity yet, but maybe that will come someday. What I didn't understand back then is that the epiphany isn't one single moment of aha!, it's an ongoing and thoroughly exciting discovery - of myself, the world around me, the people around me, the places in which I choose to invest my energy. It's a pretty exciting place to be, here, now, me, today. And maybe the first step to forgiving myself is to dive right into here, now, and me. Maybe that's step 1. I'll let you know how that all works out.