Reservation, Table for 6

I certainly don't hold this against anyone, but it really, really irritates me when people say, "Just imagine if you had three to deal with!" (Or four.) As in, "You'd be up to your ears in trouble if you had three (or four) kids running around!" What I hear is, "I actually HAVE to deal with three/four/fifteen kids on a daily basis and I have earned a badge of honor that you haven't."

Um. Don't you think I would give pretty much ANYTHING to have all four kids running around and driving me crazy? I'd rather deal with kids fighting and ruining everything ALL day, EVERY day than deal with what we've experienced. Not all of us are fortunate enough to have the privilege of raising every child we've held and/or carried. And we remember this fact every single minute of every single day. We are lucky enough to have two of our kids here with us. We have to wait to be with the other two. That doesn't make whatever struggle or triumph we have as a family any less real or any less valid. Being grateful for what we have doesn't mean we don't crave what we lost any less, and if I had a choice, I'd be frustrated and bitchy and deliriously happy with my horde of offspring every single day.

As it is, I am still frustrated and bitchy and deliriously happy. And it fills me up. But I remember before Ari was born and I wasn't ever sure that my heart could be big enough to hold all the love I had for Tanner and all the love I had for Ryan and still throw another person into the mix and then she was born and all of a sudden there was all this wonderful space created just for her ---- my family fills up all the spaces except the space that she should be in. And the pregnancy we lost shouldered even more space into my heart; that space is empty, too. And then little Miss Mads came and just bulldozed her slobby little self right into her own spot. But there are those other two spaces that cannot be filled by anyone but the two little souls who belong there. So no. I don't know what it's like to wrangle four kids into the car every morning or force them all to sit through a meal or will them into silence during church. But somewhere in those spaces and in the quiet times I have alone, I do know, and it just kills me that I will never, ever get to experience it. Even though I know that I could have lived perfectly content NOT having to wrestle four kids. But there would have been other times when we would have had movie nights and perfect family cuddles on the couch with each child elbowing in for space and love, and my heart would be overfilled and overflowing and it would have made all that large family struggle worth it.

So yes. We are living as a family of four. But we are a family of six, and I won't ever forget that. And I'll wear my badge of honor that I have had to struggle for my kids, just in different ways than other large families have to, and that I have had those sweet moments, however short they were for two of them. Don't y'all forget it, either.