Birthdays, Holidays, Bullshit

Not that there is any one "worst" thing, and I'm hoping as years pass this gets more bearable, but...special events are such a mixed bag for us. When we have birthday parties or holidays, all I can think is, "This time last year, I was this far along with Ariana" or, "When we had this occasion last year, Ari was doing [this or that]." Or I think of what she would be doing if she were here. We went to a birthday party at a bowling alley for one of Tanner's friends this weekend, and (Mostly) all I could think about was what Ari would have been doing. To complicate matters further, the family of the boy whose birthday it was also had an Ariana, who also died of unknown causes, about six months prior to our Ari's death. So I was daydreaming about the two Arianas running around together and making mayhem among the older kids.


We have been putting off going to Crane's because last year we took both kids. Ariana was barely sensate that day; she spent the entire time cuddling and nursing in her carrier. But she was there. And I am just tired of going places where I think, "Last time we were here, we had Ari!" If I could crawl in a hole, hibernate, and not hurt anymore when I woke up, I would so surely do it.

And it's not a situation where I don't enjoy myself immensely still. I love hanging out with family and friends and I laugh and tell stupid stories and generally make an ass of myself as per the usual. It just makes me feel a bit awkward because inevitably there is a moment where I get fixated on her, and that makes others awkward when they notice. And I wish they'd just ignore it. But I really think, in retrospect, no matter how much you empathize, you just can't understand unless you've been through it, no matter how much you want to be able to sympathize. And I wouldn't want anyone to understand. I don't think others realize how desperately we just want to feel NORMAL again. I think it scares people away. We've certainly learned who our true friends are. We don't spend our days in melancholia and we don't spend our time crying all over each other. We do have times when we have to be by ourselves to grieve. We also need for people to more or less carry on if we have a sad feeling while we're out and about. Don't give us funny looks, or stop the conversation, or try to shift gears into grief and death and dying. There are places and times for that, and out with friends socializing isn't one of them, and you have to know that we realize that.

I feel like a pariah again. It makes me almost afraid to go do anything, large group or small. And it's not like we could put out a personal ad requesting only friends who have lost children. And even that isn't a surefire route to society without awkwardness.


But yeah. Nice cozy hole to hibernate in. That would be nice. That or my baby. And seeing as how neither of those are an option, I guess I'll just keep on walking. Bummer.